


Memory of that night

by iamapasteque



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eren is an ass, Friendship, he realises it, mikasa deserves better, period
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:47:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29342310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamapasteque/pseuds/iamapasteque
Summary: Eren is such an a-hole to Mikasa throughout the entire story. She deserves so much more and because Isayama won’t give that to us, I’m doing it myself.This is a moment of self realisation where Eren kinda feels guilty about how he treats Mikasa. Set between season 3 and 4 but you can imagine it whenever you like.Anyways enjoy :)
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman & Eren Yeager
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Memory of that night

**Author's Note:**

> English ISNT my first language. There might be mistakes, especially with the past, sorry in advance :/

In a pitch black room there were two bodies. One of them was fast asleep, breathing peacefully. Mikasa was on her back, hands curled into fists resting on her abdomen. Her head was turned slightly away from me. It was an unusual sight to see Mikasa’s form relaxed, peaceful. She normally was tight, stiff, ready to fight no matter the occasion. She would have a strong stance and a killer look at any given time. Except in her sleep apparently. But as a matter of fact, I had never seen Mikasa sleeping. On rare occasions, we would sleep in the same room but she would always manage to fall asleep last and wake up first. Right now, she was just breathing. Sleeping. Nothing else.

The second body was me, of course. And I was fast awake. Far too preoccupied to sleep. Our Captain’s words from the night before were still running laps in my brain. Mikasa is strong, we can’t have her with someone else than us. It was rare to hear Captain Levi praise us for our accomplishments, very rare. Hearing him talk about Mikasa like that made us all realise how important she was to all of us. Jean probably thought about the day she snapped a titan’s neck right in front of him when he was helpless, without his equipment. Sasha might have remembered all the times Mikasa helped her keeping still on her ODM gear during training camp. Everyone thought about her link to the Ackerman family, of course. 

But I only thought about all the times I neglected her. Took for granted the protection she gave me. I even despised it at times. I would think « why does she baby me ? » without realising she was just concerned about my well being. Captain Levi’s words were probably a breaking moment. She was so important. Throughout my entire life, she had been a constant. An anchor i could rely on when i needed it and I barely ever had checked on her when she probably needed it. I thought « I need to change my attitude towards her. Because she could turn away from me. Because I need her close to me. Because she deserves better than neglect. She deserves so much better than what i give her. »

But Mikasa never seemed to be impacted by my behaviour. She had always protected and defended me. Even when i would tell her to back off and let me deal with my problems, even when I was the worst little shit with her, she would just lower her eyes but she would keep on helping me. 

Then it hit me. 

The sleeping body on my side was so important to me. So precious. Priceless and invaluable. 

Mikasa stirred in her sleep. Her arm fell on her side, getting closer to me. Moving my body so I was facing her frame, I gently put my hand on her shoulder. It felt weird for an instant. Touching Mikasa, when it came from me, was an unusual action. The last time we had touched was when I came back from the depths of my titan form and she had to pull me out of it. Our two bodies were so pressed together that her heartbeat at this exact moment felt like my own. The experience was overall not very marking for me on the moment, but looking back to it made me curious about what Mikasa had felt. Did she also hear my heartbeat ? Was the contact important to her ? It was something that Mikasa seemed to put value on. Contact. Touch, or physical interactions. She would seek for my hand, grab my wrist or put her fingers on my shoulder. I was not very fond of that. However, with my and on her shoulder I tried to understand it. The contact. 

Her skin was warm, oozing with sleep heat. Did her whole body feel like it ? I moved my hand to place it on her forearm. It did feel weird to touch her while she was asleep, not aware of my actions. But I needed to understand how touch could be such an important thing for her. I needed to understand her. What she thought, what she felt, what she did and why she did it. I needed to understand and relate to her so she would always be by my side. So i would always be by her side. Because it had always been like that, and it would always be like that. But in order to keep her close to me I needed this. Right now, the physical touch between my hand and her forearm was the thing that connected me to her. What connected her to me ? 

A little tear formed in my eye. I allowed it to fall down on my cheek until it reached my pillow and splashed onto it, getting the pillowcase wet and uncomfortable. 

I didn’t understand Mikasa. And I hated it. 

I shuffled closer to her, wrapping my arm around her frame. 

« I’m sorry »I said, whispering so low, even I didn’t hear myself. 

I pressed my forehead on her shoulder. My arm tightened around her and she hummed in her sleep. 

« I’m sorry » I repeated louder, voice cracking under the pressure of my own regrets. I wished I tried to understand her sooner. I would not have been there, crying over her sleeping body if I had just taken a moment to care about her. 

« I’m so sorry Mikasa » My eyes shot open, I was furious with myself. Such a bad friend. Never checking on you, always rejecting you, not caring about you.

I do Mikasa, I do care about you. I don’t show it but I really do. I don’t find you annoying for protecting me. I don’t find you patronising when you help me in simple situations. 

Mikasa. 

My face pressed into her skin. She smelt like me. She smelt like home. My lips pressed tight against each other. She was still sound asleep. My only goal this instant was to understand her. It was so hard. How, after years of sharing my life with her, could I feel like she was a stranger. How, when my whole body was pressed on her side, could I feel so distant from her. 

My lips relaxed, pressing on the skin of her shoulder. My tears had spilled on her upper arm, silently dripping on the mattress we were sharing. Once again, the contact. My lips melted on her shoulder’s skin. Slowly, I pulled away. I would understand her, later. I wanted to. I needed to. And I would do anything to do that.


End file.
